The weight and the cost.

My mind tends to swing back and forth like a pendulum. I mean obviously, that's what Bi-Polar does.

In my low moments I wonder why.
Why me? Why now? Why bother? 

Adding more pieces of weight to my back breaking load of baggage. It's exhausting to carry. And it has consumed me completely more than once in my life. You cannot see where the baggage ends and I begin. Sometimes I collect pieces or baggage from others. I carry their pains and struggles. Their shortcomings, failures. Their heartache and loss. "Give it to me. I can carry this for you." I'm not some body builder who's physicality can overcome sadness. I just know these pieces well. 

Other people's pieces can just settle in with my own. An intricate puzzle of misery. "I've got this. I've got you. You are safe now." Am I talking to me or them or my new piece of weight? I don't know. What I do know is I can lose myself in the emotions of others. In caring for others. I care so much that I stop caring for myself. None of those I carry weights for reciprocate, so why should I check in to see if I'm ok? Another weight gets added.

This is not some self-serving "You OWE me!" bullshit, either. This is a real life hard look at my relationships and how dependent I am to caring for others, at much too high a cost for my own well being. I do not see this as a character flaw. Just... That damned pendulum getting stuck at each side, after it swings.

Be a good person, friend, mother, wife, daughter, niece, granddaughter, sibling, child, etc.

OR

Exhaustion, physically and emotionally. Not bathing, or interacting. Being awful at everything I hold so dear. Retreat. Another weight.

Right now that pendulum sticks.

I'm working hard to repair the balance by ridding myself of weights that trap it to either side.

I wish it could swing evenly and freely.

But, I wonder, where are those people I showed up for? The ones I took weights from.

Why won't they take one of mine?
Another weight.